The statistics are sobering. According to the American Psychological Association, 40 to 50 percent of first marriages in the United States ended in divorce in 2024.

For second marriages, that figure climbs to 67 percent.

But according to Chimere Holmes, a licensed clinical social worker and marriage and family therapy doctoral candidate at Eastern University, those numbers don’t have to define us if we’re willing to do some work.

Holmes joined TLC Connections, the podcast of The Lincoln Center for Family and Youth, for a candid conversation back in January with host Alyssa Brouse, LCSW, Vice President of School-Based Services at The Lincoln Center, about what’s really driving relationship breakdown today, and what couples can do about it.

The Number One Issue in Relationships Today

The biggest trend in couples therapy?

“Communication breakdown,” Holmes said. “Followed by intimacy challenges — the thrill is gone, so to speak.”

A pattern she sees repeatedly is two-parent households where both partners are working, exhausted, and focused on the welfare of their children, with their relationship quietly placed on a back burner.

Add financial stress, aging parents, cultural differences, and what Holmes calls “the current sociopolitical state we’re all living in,” and the pressure on modern couples becomes significant.

But beneath many of these surface conflicts, Holmes says, is something deeper: old patterns from our families of origin that we bring into our present-day relationships without realizing it.

“Sometimes I have to tell couples, you’re in an argument with your spouse, but this isn’t about your mom or your dad or something that never went right with your sibling,” she said. “Little do they know they’re operating in these really old feedback loops or scripts that aren’t even taking place in the here and now.”

Respect as a Foundation

One of the most powerful themes in Holmes’s work is “respect.”

“If I don’t respect you, how can I move forward in a relationship with you?” she said. “It could be the littlest things — common courtesy, please, thank you, would you mind? We often lose sight of that in our relationships.”

Words matter, she says, and once they’re said, they can’t be taken back. No number of apologies fully erases what was put into the world in a moment of anger.

For Holmes, basic decency and empathy aren’t aspirational ideals for a good relationship. They are prerequisites.

The Work Doesn’t End at the Session

Holmes is a self-described advocate for homework. Rather than simply telling couples to go on a date night, she assigns reading from authors like Esther Perel and resources from the Gottman Institute. She asks partners to review challenging material between sessions and bring their reactions back to the room.

She also focuses heavily on co-regulation: the ability of partners to help stabilize each other emotionally rather than escalating when both are distressed.

“If I’m dysregulated and my spouse is dysregulated, it’s just going to be this continuously unproductive loop,” she said.

Her underlying philosophy is that the answers are already within each person.

The therapist’s role, as she sees it, is to help clients access what they already know, to fine-tune, encourage, and translate what one partner is saying to the other when emotion makes that impossible to hear directly.

About Chimere Holmes and TLC Connections

Chimère Holmes, LPC, is a Licensed Professional Counselor and doctoral candidate in Marriage and Family Therapy.

She currently serves the community through her Outpatient Therapy Program, Be Ye Renewed Counseling, providing mental health treatment focused on emotional regulation, communication, coping skills, and trauma-informed care.

Her clinical work is grounded in a holistic approach to wellness that honors emotional, relational, physical, and spiritual health.

She is especially passionate about couples and family work, and helping individuals and families break old patterns to build healthier ways of relating.

TLC Connections is the podcast of The Lincoln Center for Family and Youth, bringing together educators, counselors, and community leaders to inspire change through real stories, actionable insights, and practical tools.

The Lincoln Center is a social enterprise serving the Greater Philadelphia Area through education, counseling, coaching, and consulting.

Learn more about The Lincoln Center for Family and Youth and TLC Connections.