By Elizabeth Billies 

Divorce law contains a lot of myths. More than any other area of law, IMO. I think this is because most people know someone who has been divorced, so it’s an area of law that is familiar and accessible to non-lawyers, unlike maritime law or class action securities litigation. I mean, I don’t even know what maritime lawyers do. But just like an old wives tale, divorce myths shouldn’t be believed. And today, I’m going to dispel them for you. 

So, without further ado, here are the divorce myths you need to stop believing today: 

• Women do better than men in custody and financial issues; 
• Children get to decide which parent they want to live with at a certain age; 
• Lawyers just want to take all your money and are the reason that your case is difficult; 
• Divorce has to be contentious; 
• Telling it to the judge is going to get you the vindication that you want and deserve; and 
• Your life is over. 

DIVORCE MYTH #1: WOMEN DO BETTER THAN MEN IN CUSTODY & FINANCIAL ISSUES. 

I’m here to tell you that no matter what your divorced friends say, it is a divorce myth that women do better than men in custody cases and divorce settlements. Don’t believe me? Disappointed? Let me explain why I’m right. 

First, in general, the divorce and custody laws of Pennsylvania are gender-neutral and require a party prove a series of things to win their case. The words mom, dad, husband, wife, female or male do not appear and have no effect. 

I don’t hear about this a lot from my clients, but I do see it frequently on social media posts. Let’s start with custody. Contrary to some people’s beliefs, it is a divorce myth that mothers automatically do better in custody cases. 

Again, the law doesn’t say anything about gender. There is no presumption in the written law that a mom is automatically going to have primary custody of the kids simply because she has lady parts. It just doesn’t exist. 

Now, can a judge carry a bias that a mother should have substantial custodial time with their children? Sure. Judges are human, have opinions, and carry stereotypes like the rest of us. This is another reason to come to a custody agreement. By doing so you take those third-party opinions out of your case and avoid any potential for gender bias. 

However, those biases are certainly changing for the better. In the last ten years, I have seen a significant increase in parents equally sharing custodial time of their kids. This is because societal thoughts about the roles of fathers are also changing. It used to be that dad worked outside the home and mom watched the kids. Now I see moms and dads doing both. And the courts are recognizing this as well which is a great thing for families. 

So, if you are a dad reading this, don’t be discouraged and think that you aren’t going to get significant custodial time with your children just because of your gender. And mom, you aren’t going to automatically get what you want for the same reason. Both parties need to prove why it is in the best interests of their children to have the custody schedule that they want. 

It is also a divorce myth that property division will favor the wife. 

Money and gender roles are a sticky issue, both during marriage and during divorce. I recently read an article about how husbands and wives are more likely to misreport their incomes when the woman out earns the man in the relationship. Furthermore, wives’ earning are catching up to that of their husbands. According to recent reports by the Pew Research Center, husbands and wives earn about the same in a growing share of U.S. marriages. 

While these may be difficult issues for clients, they are less tricky for the courts. In some states, property division is equal, no matter your income or gender. Others, like Pennsylvania, look at many factors to determine an appropriate property division. However, none of those factors are gender. I explain it to my clients like this: whoever will recover faster financially from the divorce will get less in the division of the marital property. Plain and well, maybe not so simple. 

So how gender-neutral property division works in real life? If the wife makes more money and has better benefits at her job than her husband, she will get less of the assets. Conversely, if the wife has not worked in 30 years and the husband is employed as a company’s CEO earning significant income, wife will get more. If both spouses make similar incomes and have similar prospects, they will get an equal amount of the marital estate. It has nothing to do with gender; it simply has to do with their financial outlook. 

Remember, there is a way to avoid this issue entirely. Did you guess? A prenuptial agreement! A prenup is where you and your spouse-to-be can define marital property and set forth how assets and debts are going to be divided in the event of a divorce. So, if you are still worried that gender may affect your divorce award, a prenup is a good solution. 

DIVORCE MYTHS #2: CHILDREN DECIDE WHICH PARENT THEY WANT TO LIVE WITH AT A CERTAIN AGE. 

Though it is second on my list, this is the #1 divorce myth I get asked about. When clients come in for a consult on a custody issue, they almost always ask at what age their children get to decide where they want to live and have that choice control the judge’s decision. The answer is 18, when they become an adult.  

So why don’t kids get to decide where they want to live in PA? The basic question in every custody case is what is in the child’s best interests. While we can fight over days, times and holidays, that is the central focus for every judge when they decide where your children will live and who they will live with.  

Kids don’t necessarily know what is in their best interest because, you know, they are kids. 

This doesn’t change whether they are 14 or 16. Again, until they are 18, they are considered children. This makes sense. For example, what if your child wants to live at dad’s house because he can stay up until 2:00 AM playing video games and never go to school? Would you want a court to automatically agree with your child’s preference without inquiry? And, more importantly, is that in your child’s best interest? I think we can all agree that it is not. 

That is why the courts don’t have a cut-off age where a child can automatically decide. You can see how such a hard and fast rule could get messy. 

This is not to say that courts won’t listen to teenage children about where they want to live and why. Most judges will consider their opinions. However, it is a divorce myth that such opinions are the deciding factor. And I think your children are better for it. 

DIVORCE MYTHS #3: LAWYERS JUST WANT TO TAKE ALL YOUR MONEY AND ARE THE REASON YOUR CASE IS DIFFICULT. 

I blame Hollywood for this one. While I can’t speak for all lawyers, I would much rather have a case where the parties were respectful of one another than one that was a real-life War of the Roses. 

And I cannot tell you how much money and energy I see clients waste on making their case difficult. Notice I say clients, not lawyers. Although there are exceptions, for most, any acrimony is driven by the clients and not their divorce lawyers. I care about my clients and want to fight for them, as I’m sure most lawyers do. However, I simply don’t think it is appropriate to manufacture conflict. I just don’t.  

While people think divorce conflict creates more money for the divorce lawyer, it actually doesn’t. Why you ask? Because it often just creates a bill that my clients can’t afford. And what good does that do? A bill that can’t be paid is just a piece of paper. Almost worthless. 

Also, one of my most significant sources of referrals for new clients is former clients. If I leave them penniless and exhausted, what is the chance they will want to send me their family member or friend?  

Now, this is not to say that your legal bills will be low if you and your spouse play nice. There are many reasons that your legal bills can be high that have nothing to do with the level of anger between you and your former spouse. But most of the time, that comes from the spouses, not the attorneys. 

DIVORCE MYTHS #4: YOUR DIVORCE HAS TO BE CONTENTIOUS. 

Do you think, if we aren’t fighting, I’m not doing this divorce thing right? Nope. You are probably doing it wrong. 

Again, let me explain. The process of getting divorced and dividing up your assets and debts is similar to the dissolution of the business. The company was your marriage, and now it needs to be closed down. Think of it as a going-out-of-business sale. Cold, I know. But the sooner that you start thinking about the divorce process in those terms, the better off you will be financially . . . and emotionally. 

Tying emotions to money is always dangerous. When you start to equate emotions to specific assets and debts and fight over them, you are going to lose. You will not only waste money on legal fees, you will stress yourself out and make it so that you are not able to move on to your best post-divorce life. 

Fighting not only affects your finances, but it also affects your ability to move past your divorce emotionally. 

Do you know that fighting and anger can often indicate that you are not over your ex? Trust me, I wrote an article about it. Instead, taking a dispassionate approach to them and your divorce is a sign that you are ready to move on. Continuing to engage your ex on issues regarding custody or property is unhealthy and affects your ability to transition to the next chapter of your life. 

And who knows? That next chapter may be the best one yet! Don’t you want to find out? You won’t be able to if you are stuck in the cycle of fighting with your former spouse, likely the same cycle that landed you where you are today. 

DIVORCE MYTHS #5: TELLING IT TO THE JUDGE WILL GET YOU THE VINDICATION YOU WANT OR THINK YOU DESERVE. 

Spoiler alert: going to court will never give you the satisfaction that you think you want and should receive. In general, no matter how often I can explain possible outcomes to clients, they are very married (no pun intended) to their version of the story. As such, they cannot see how the judge would not see it their way and decide in their favor. 

However, remember that you are looking at your version of events with a filter. Your ex is looking at their position with a different filter. And, you guessed it, the court is looking at the case through even another filter. It’s like the legal version of Instagram. 

Therefore, the court will likely make a decision that is not 100 percent in favor of either side. The judge I clerked for at my first position after law school used to say, “If they both walk away unhappy, then I’ve done my job.” This may seem mean, but it’s true. She looked at the case through her third filter and made a decision. #judgevision. 

So please don’t go to court thinking you will find justice in the family court building. The courtroom is not going to erupt in cheers, and you aren’t going to swing up the doors to the courthouse to swelling music as you fist pump the air. It just doesn’t happen in family court. Or really, probably any place other than a fictional legal show.  

So, what should you do to dispel this divorce myth? 

• Get out of the mindset of looking to be right or for vindication of a past wrong through the judge’s decision; 
• Listen (I mean really listen) to your lawyer’s advice about the possible outcomes; 
• Hear and process the recommendations provided on how to resolve your case; and 
• When you can, settle your matter to retain control over the final decision-making process. 

DIVORCE MYTHS #6: YOUR LIFE IS OVER. 

This may be the saddest divorce myth. And the hardest to stop believing. For most, their marriage has been the narrative of their entire adult life. Their identity is wrapped up in being someone’s parent and spouse as part of a family, a unit. 

Suddenly, that story is over, perhaps before they were ready to close the book. The abruptness of having everything you knew to be true ripped out from under you is very jarring, and some can’t see a way past it. Add concerns about finances and child custody, and you can put yourself in a pretty dark place. 

But I am here to tell you that your life isn’t over. 

I’m not going to give you any cliches. And I’m not going to lie and say this isn’t tough, and it won’t take time. It is, and it will. But you can get over it. You must. It’s the only way to get to your best post-divorce life! Don’t you want to get there? 

If you have a divorce or family law question, reach out to a member of Dischell Bartle Dooley’s family law team today — or contact them online, or call 215.362.2474. 

---

Elizabeth J. Billies, Partner

Liz practices all areas of family law, including but not limited to, preparing pre-and post-nuptial agreements, obtaining no-fault and fault divorces, as well as litigating and settling equitable distribution, custody, and support matters.

Her clients value her collaborative and cost-effective approach to legal representation. Liz strives to resolve all matters expeditiously and efficiently while maintaining a high level of compassion and attention to detail.

If you have a divorce or family law question, please contact a member of our team or call 215.362.2474.